Bella
I couldn't feel anything except numbness, all I could see was black. I tried opening my eyes, but my body didn't want to work. It was like I had absolutely no control over it. I could hear the annoying beeping around me, people talking and touching me, but I couldn't do anything about it.
"Doctor, when do you think she'll wake up?" I heard a female's voice.
"She should be waking soon. She just had a minor head injury. Besides some minor cuts and bruises, she should be okay physically." I'm guessing that was the doctor.
Then it was silent. I couldn't figure out what was going on. From the smells, and sounds I knew I was in the hospital. I inwardly chuckled; I wonder what I fell over this time. Knowing it was normal for me to visit the hospital at least once a month, I fell back asleep.
When I woke up, I felt like I had some control over my body. I felt my eyelids flutter a little bit, so decided to open them. When I opened my eyes, I quickly shut them when I saw the bright light and memories flooded my head, feeling sick, sitting up, bright lights, loud crunch, and blackness.
I felt a tear slip out of the corner of my eye, and slowly opened my eyes again, just to see Anna, my Godmother.
"Oh, Bella, thank God!" She let out a breath in a sigh.
"Anna, what's going on?" I rasped out.
"Bella, you were out of it for a week." I gasped, a week?
"What happened?"
"Bella, you're going to be staying with us." She was avoiding my question.
"Anna, what the fuck happened!" I screamed out. She looked sad before softly answering me.
"There was a car accident." As soon as she said that, I knew what happened. I knew my family was gone. I had nothing left, no family, no James, nothing.
I spent the rest of the week in the hospital. I missed everyone's funeral; James's parents never came to see me. That didn't surprise me; they didn't like me before, what would make them like me now? I was the reason their son was taken away from them.
It was my fault that I lost my family. I was in so much pain, that I wished the blackness would swallow me and never let me go. I spent most of my time in the hospital crying.
The doctor told me that I would make a complete recovery, but he was full of shit. A full recovery would mean my family would be here.
When I was released from the hospital, I had to move in with Anna. I used to love visiting her, but I didn't know how well it was going to go living with her. I hadn't been all that easy to be around once I woke up. I didn't want to be around anyone, didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be left alone. Of course the doctor said it wasn't "healthy" for me. My response to the doctor was, fuck off.
The ride to Anna's was quiet. I didn't want to be a bitch towards her, but I just wanted to be left alone.
"Bella, we have to meet with the lawyer tomorrow morning." Anna said as we were talking up the steps. I just ignored her, and followed her into the house.
I was used to being in Anna's big house. My parents and I always came over here for parties and holidays. We'd always laugh and say that mom and Anna were long lost sisters. They acted alike at many times. I felt my chest tighten at the thought of never seeing my mother or father again.
I followed Anna up the stairs and through the huge white front door.
Walking into the foyer, I let a tear escape me. I still remember when mom and Anna decorated this house. The white marble foyer, with the colorful flowers all over, I just wanted to scream.
I walked up the long staircase to the second floor, before going to my room. Yes, we were over here so often, I had my own room. Same goes for Anna in our house; she also had her own room. I wanted to kick myself for even thinking of 'our' house. There was no one to share it with now.
I threw myself onto the bed, feeling the pain take over my body once again. I wanted to let the darkness take me under. I wanted to disappear from this thing they call life. I rolled over ready to let it take me under, when I heard someone knock on the door. I'll give you one fucking guess on who it is. I didn't answer and went ahead and rolled over. I heard the door open and a sigh before Anna spoke,"Bella, did you hear me earlier?"
Silence.
"We have to meet with the lawyer tomorrow. They want to go over the property as well as the financial aspects." I knew it needed to be done; I just didn't want to do it. Again, I just ignored her. "Bella, please don't do this. Don't shut me out, I miss them to."
"Leave me the fuck alone!" I screamed. I was tired of listening to everyone fucking missing them! I heard my door shut again and closed my eyes.
Pictures and memories flashed behind my eyelids. Some I smiled at, others I cried. I missed them so much, and I would never have them back. I would never be able to have the chance to make new memories. My mother would never help me with my prom dress, or wedding dress. My father wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle. James wouldn't be there for the wedding, children or life that we had once planned.
I felt the bile start to rise in my throat and launched myself off my bed and into the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I lost everything that I was forced to eat today. I laid down on the marble floor, welcoming the coolness of it.
I knew there were tears escaping me, but I couldn't care less. I had nothing left to even care about.
The last day I was able to spend with my family raced its way through my head. My wake-up call with James, going to a movie, going to lunch, and going four wheeling. I thought about how we were supposed to spend the night with my family, instead James and I went to a party. The last party he would ever be able to go to.
I pulled myself up off the floor, and stumbled to the medicine cabinet in search of mouthwash. I opened the mirror and saw what I was looking for. I instantly felt the minty flavor, and felt a small bit of relief from not tasting puke.
Putting the mouthwash away, something caught my eye before it fell to the sink. I picked it up, and eyed it with wonder.
I remember writing a report in health class about this. In fact, I remember it as if I had wrote it yesterday, bits and pieces sticking out more than others.
Some people cut because they feel desperate for relief from bad feelings. People who cut may not know better ways to get relief from emotional pain or pressure. Some people cut to express strong feelings of rage, sorrow, rejection, desperation, longing, or emptiness.
The urge to cut might be triggered by strong feelings the person can't express — such as anger, hurt, shame, frustration, or alienation. People who cut sometimes say they feel they don't fit in, or that no one understands them. A person might cut because of losing someone close or to escape a sense of emptiness. Cutting might seem like the only way to find relief or express personal pain over relationships or rejection.
Some people who cut have had a traumatic experience, such as living through abuse, violence, or a disaster. Self-injury may feel like a way of "waking up" from a sense of numbness after a traumatic experience. Or it may be a way of re-inflicting the pain they went through, expressing anger over it, or trying to get control of it.
I felt a warm liquid flow down my arm. I didn't even release I had done it, but I couldn't, or maybe more like wouldn't, take it back.
Last week I felt nothing but pain that I had no control over. I could try to go to sleep and forget about everything, but the only thing going to sleep ever did was make the colors in the dreams brighter. It was even more pain than trying to stay away through it all.
But this pain, the pain from the shiny silver razor blade slicing through my tanned skin, I had complete control over.
I knew I had a wicked smile plastered on my face. I smiled at the freshly cut skin, watching the warm red blood flow. I knew I would feel the pain in my forearm tomorrow, but I didn't care. I moved up my arm about two inches, and placed the blade to my skin.
I didn't hesitate, and pressed the shiny silver and red piece of metal into my arm. I slid it across my arm, watching my skin split and divide. I smiled as the blade went deeper, but not deep enough to cut the muscle.
I felt the pain that I couldn't control slowly leave my body just to be replaced with the pain I could control.
This pain was the only thing in my life that I could handle. Everything else was whirling out of control. No one or anything could stop it. The world just kept moving, people kept living their lives. No one cared that I was in pain.
I heard a knock on my bathroom door fallowed by, "Bella, are you alright? You've been in the bathroom for like an hour."
Well fuck! "I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute!" I yelled.
"Ok, dinner is ready. Come on down when you're ready."
I didn't answer. I heard her leave my room and walked down the stairs. I looked back down at my arm, and gasped. This wasn't me; Bella Swan would not do this! Bella Swan died, along with her family in the car wreck.
I turned on the cold water and stuck my arm under it. I wanted to whimper out from the pain of the cold water hitting the open flesh, but also because of the relief of the cold water soothing the burn.
Once the cuts stopped bleeding, I quickly put some kind-of cream that healed shit on gauze, stuck the gauze on my arm over the cuts, and taped them up. I got a dark colored towel and whipped the blood off the floor.
Walking into my room, I knew I was going to have to change out of my tank top. If Anna saw the gauze, she would know something was wrong, and that wasn't something I wanted to deal with at this moment.
It was hot outside, but I threw on a long sleeved shirt anyway. I could always chalk it up to not feeling well. I slowly made my way downstairs and to the table.
"Bella, you look a little pale, are you sure your all right?" Anna asked.
"I'm fine." I replied shortly. I knew sometime in the future, I'd have to apologize to her, but the future was not today.
I silently ate what was in front of me. I think it was some kind of chicken, potatoes and corn, but I can't be real sure. When I was finished, I took my plate to the kitchen, rinsed it off then put it in the dishwasher.
I slowly walked by the table again, only to see Anna with a sad look of pity on her face. It was in that moment I knew that she knew. She knew I thought my parents death were my fault, even more so with James. James risked his life, to save mine. Not here Bella, not now! I said a quick good night and ran up the stairs.
A couple days of being in the hospital, the doctor told me what had happened to my family. My parents died on impact. James wasn't so lucky, but I ended up with the worst pain out of all of them. They were able to be together in Heaven, I had to live with the guilt, and the pain; both physically and mentally.
I didn't break any bones. I had a lot of deep bruising and of course a few cuts from glass. I questioned by I didn't get hurt as badly, but then I knew the answer; James.
James always was my savior, my knight in shining armor. He always protected me in school, in life, and it was his life that was taken while he was once again protecting me.
I shook my head and threw myself on the bed, this time whimpering a little bit at the pain in my arm. I stripped off my long sleeve shirt and looked. I held my left arm up, and could see a light red working its way through the gauze. I knew it would stop soon.
I closed my eyes, and was greeted with happy memories of my parents when I was younger. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end.
"Bella, it's time to wake up. We meet with the lawyer in two hours."
I groaned and rolled over. Looking at my clock, I saw it was nine am. I jumped out of bed, taking a quick shower then got dressed. I put on a pair of jean Capri's, a purple tank top, my matching necklace that I shared with James, and James's black Hurley sweatshirt. I bent over to put my shoes on and felt a pulled sensation, and knew I need to be careful. Once my shoes were on, I made my way downstairs.
"Hey Anna, before we go to the lawyer, I'd like to run by school first." I said while grabbing an apple.
"Bella, your already excused from school. The principal said that you can take your time."
"Mmhm I know that. But I'm not going back." She held questions in her eyes when I looked at her. "Anna, I'm done. I'm not going back to school. There's just too many, I just can't do it." I know it sounded like I was begging, and maybe I was, but I was not going back to that school.
Anna nodded her head in understanding and cleaned up from her breakfast. When she was done we made our way out to the car. We drove out of her turn around driveway then down the road.
Pulling up to Desert Vista High School I felt my chest tighten. You can do this Bella. I climbed out of the car and was about to shut the door, when Anna spoke.
"Bella, you sure you don't want me to come with you?" I nodded and closed the door. Turning around and looking at the school, the place that held so many happy memories, I felt tears starting to build up. I looked at the sky and blinked a couple of times; I was not going to cry here.
I made my way into the school building then to the main office. Everyone was in classes, so I knew I wouldn't see any of them. I stopped outside the office door, took a huge deep breath before placing my hand on the handle, then pushing my way through.
Mrs. Swanson was sitting at her desk, behind the counter. She was a nice older lady. I often wondered how her grandchildren liked her. I think everyone in this school loved her.
"Ms. Dwyer, we were not expecting you for some time. I'm sorry for your loss dear." I took another deep breath; I just needed to get this over with.
"Mrs. Swanson, I need the paper work to fill out so that I can leave school." She also looked at me like Anna did, with questions in her eyes. Was I not making myself fucking clear today? "I'm dropping out."
"Oh… Oh I'm sorry to hear that, but you have to do what you have to do. Here you go dear, just fill these out for me, and I'll get it into the computer today." I nodded and sat down in one of the ten chairs in the office. I filled out all the information; name, address, date of birth. It was all simple and quick, that was until I came to the one question I didn't want to answer; Please explain why you are no longer going to further your education. I thought how I wanted to put this, and just decided to put 'no longer interested.'
I handed the paper work back to Mrs. Swanson and waiting while she looked it over. Once she was done, she turned to the computer and started to put the information into the computer.
"Alright, you're set to go. All you need to do is clear out your locker, and turn your books back in. Do you need any help?"
"No thank you," I said before turning and leaving the office. I made my way to my locker, put the combination in, and then popped the lock open.
Pictures of James and I, friends, my family, and happy times came into view. I pulled my backpack out, took my books out and put them on the floor, before turning back to my locker. I carefully took all my pictures down, and placed them in my bag. Cleaning out the pain part, I found a piece of paper that usually wasn't there. As soon as I saw the 'To Bella' on the front, I knew it was from James. We always did this. We would write each other letters, and then put them in each other's lockers. I put the piece of paper in my front pocket, and finished cleaning out my locker.
I picked up my books and quickly made my way to the library. I handed in my books just as the bell rang. I didn't want to see anyone, who I knew so I pretty much ran out of the school. I was halfway to the car when I tripped, probably over my own feet, and looked up.
"You little bitch!"
"Lynn, this is neither the time nor place."
I stood there frozen in place. In front of me stood Lynn and James Sr.; James's parents. They were the last people I wanted to see let alone talk to.
"Like hell! That little bitch talked our son into going to a party, and then got him killed on the way back to her place." Lynn yelled. I noticed some of my school mates had gathered around us. I felt my cheeks starting to warm up, but for once it wasn't because I was embarrassed. No, this time it was because I was pissed.
"She's nothing but a whore. She didn't deserve James. If it wasn't for her, we would still have our son!"
"Lynn..." James Sr. warned. But could Lynn shut up? Simple answer, no.
"Don't stand here and protect her! She took your son away! Your only child! She got him drunk, and did only God knows what to him, before killing him!"That was it, the last fucking straw!
"And you fucking wonder why James was always at my house! Look at you! Get the fuck over yourself. Yes, James and I went to a party. Yes we both got drunk. But be fucking happy that we didn't try to drive or get in a vehicle with someone who was drunk! I have to live the rest of my life knowing that I'm the reason James didn't survive! But I also have to live with the fact that my family was killed. I lost my entire family! My mom, my dad, James, and a baby sister that I will never get to fucking know! I have to live with the fact that my little sister never got to come into this world, and that my parents will never get to hold her! So do me a fucking favor, and leave me the fuck alone!"
Everyone around us stood with their mouths open. I never yelled at anyone. I was an easy going type of girl.
I made my way back to the car, and told Anna to get us the fuck out of here. Pulling up to the lawyers, I just wanted to get this over with.
Once introductions were made, we sat down and got to business. When it came down to it, my parents left me everything. Everything being the house, the cars, the money, and everything in between.
"I'll clean out the house. I want to sell it. But I want to do it alone, I don't want anyone in the house, I don't want anyone around me." I told Anna once we got in the car.
"Pack what you would like to keep. We can put the boxes in the spare room until you decide to go through them."
We drove to what was once my home that held love, safety, care. Now all it held was emptiness, loneliness, and heartache.
When the car came to a stop, I jumped out, grabbed my backpack, waved at Anna and watched as she drove away. I turned to face the house and pushed myself to put one foot in front of the other and walk forward.
Entering the house, I went to my parent's room. Opening the top drawer of my mother's dresser, I found the letter that the lawyer said would be there. I grabbed it and ran from the room, not ready to cry yet.
I walked to the kitchen and straight to the liquor cabinet. I grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels then made my way to the couch. Fuck getting a glass!
I sat on the couch, debating which letter I wanted to read first. Either way, it was the last letter I would get from either of them. I decided to read James's letter first. I pulled it out of my backpack and opened it.
I looked between the letter and the bottle of Jack Daniels sitting beside me, taunting me. I twisted the cab and brought the bottle to my lips. Taking in a large gulp, I was happy to feel the burn going down my throat. I turned back to the letter and started reading.
Dear Bella, my one and true love;
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