Chapter Five

Bella

Dear Bella, my one and true love;

I still remember it like yesterday, the day we met. It was the first day of school, you were the new freshman

That didn't know your way around. You were busy looking at your schedule and map, and weren't paying attention

to where you were going. You ran right into me and started to fall. Even before I knew you, I was saving you.

That day, something came alive in me. I knew I had to get to know you. Then we started dating, and I knew

that I loved you. There was no questioning it. I love you, heart and all. You are my everything, you have

been since that first day. I promise you now, one day I will call you my wife, as you will call me your husband.

That day can't come soon enough. I love you Isabella Marie. Will you be my forever?

Love Always,

James

I could feel the fire sliding down my cheeks but couldn't be bothered with it. All I could do was sit there and stare at that piece of paper that would be the last words ever spoken to me from James.

I leaned over grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniels, downing a shot before standing up. For the first time in three weeks, I giggled. I actually giggled. Must be the Jack Daniels kicking in. I stumbled, tripped, and fell over air, letting a couple more giggles escape while trying to make my way upstairs.

Ten minutes later, I finally tripped on the last step and fell. All I wanted to do, or better yet could do was just lay there. Looking at the ceiling was like looking at a blank sheet. All it took was one blink, one fucking blink of my eyes.

Pictures flashed through my memory like a damn slideshow. Only they weren't just pictures, some were like movies. Memories, that's all they were now, flashed like lightening behind my eye lids. I squeezed my eyes shut even tighter, hopeing to block out the pain, but it still came.

Me, a little girl, maybe four or five, dad was teaching me how to ride a Barbie bicycle in the street in front of the house. Next, I was maybe six; dad had taken the training wheels. I can still remember trying to go on my own; still have the scar on my knee to. All my birthdays, my first school dance in seventh grade, my freshman year, James meeting my parents, my first homecoming.

No matter how hard I tried, the memories kept flooding my eyes. I knew that I was crying from the warmth sliding down my cheeks. I felt around me, searching for possibly the only thing that could help me right now.

I unscrewed the cap, and threw it. I felt a small smile come across my face, imagining I was that lid. What it would be like to get lost. I slowly sat up making the bottle meet my lips half way. I felt myself relax as the sweet burn worked its way down my throat and into my stomach. I felt the warmth start to spread through my body, and knew it wouldn't be much longer, before my body went numb.

I crawled the rest of the way to my room. Going by my parent's room, I just kept my eyes straight forward. It wouldn't do me any good to look; it would just add salt to the wound. Opening the door to my room, I felt like a stranger.

Looking around, it seemed I was looking at a perfect life. One where the owner of the room had no worries, or cares in the world. I looked around the room that was a baby blue and yellow, nothing compared to the black I felt now. I looked at one wall and saw the painting of the beach. I still remember the day James painted it.

"Bella, what are you going to do with this wall? You got that one a baby blue, this one white, and that one's yellow."


I looked around my room, trying to decide on a color. A pink might look okay, but I'm not that girly. A purple, eh maybe. I thought through colors for a little while, before an idea popped into my head.


"James! I know what I want!" I said excitedly.


"Bella, I know you want me, and I know that I would look good on your wall. But baby, I gotta go home at some point." I looked up to see James with a smirk on his face.


"Oh, who said I really wanted you? I mean, really, it's just for popularity. Oh! And I can't forget the body, man I love that body!" I replied looking him up and down.


"Ouch, that hurt."


"That's what you get for being a smartass. Moving on, I want you to paint a beach on that wall. Please!" I giggled.


We spend two days painting that wall. We laughed, joked, and played around. I smiled as that day played in my head over and over again. The way James smiled as we painted. The way we flirted and gave each other crap. The way he held me, as we stood there looking at the finished picture of a couple walking down the beach on a bright sunny day.

I opened my eyes, and was greeting with a dark room, not the bright sunny beach. I stumbled around trying to find a lamp, knocking something off my bedside table before turning the knob, and the room was filled with light. I looked down to see what I had just knocked off and felt anger come forth.

There on the tanned carpet was a picture frame, a picture frame that held a picture taken a week before I lost everything. Dad was standing behind Mom with both their hands on her stomach, holding my baby sister. James was standing beside Dad, and I was on James's back. We were all laughing about how Dad was gonna have another girl to protect. How he was gonna sit at the kitchen table cleaning his shotgun when a boy came over to take her out.

But now instead of happiness, the picture only held hurt and guilt. I bent down and picked up the picture before sliding to the floor, my back against my bed. I just sat there looking at the picture. I don't know how long I sat there just staring, but my body was no longer numb. My body felt pain, anger, guilt, confusion, everything, yet I couldn't move. I tried lifting my arm, but it felt like it weighed 100 pounds.

I just sat there staring at the picture, feeling everything all at once. I stared at that picture until the blackness swallowed me. I was hoping I would never come out of it. Unfortunately, we don't always get what we want.

"Bella! Bella are you here?" I groaned rolling over. I felt something slice into my leg and let out a scream. "Bella, oh my God! Come on get up!"

"I'm fine." I replied looking down at my leg. It was really nothing. I pulled the small chunk of glass out of my leg, before getting up and hobbling my way to the bathroom.

"Bella, you need to go to the hospital." Anna argued with me.

"It's just a fucking scratch, I'm fine!" I yelled back. I heard her leaving the room as I was opening my medicine cabinet. I pulled out the items I needed and got to work on my cut. I winced when the alcohol hit the opened wound.

Once that was done, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I made my way downstairs to the kitchen where Anna was sitting.

"Bella, did you do anything last night?" She asked softly.

"Um, not really." I grabbed a box and headed towards my room.

"I'll be in the kitchen if you need anything!" I heard Anna yell from the kitchen. Maybe, if I was lucky, she would pack it. I knew how to cook, but I didn't know what Anna needed in her house.

When I got to my room, I turned and locked the door, before throwing the box on the floor. I made my way over to the stereo, searching through my CD's for a good one. It took me looking through my CD's twice before I finally found one. Taking the CD out of its case, I carefully put it in the player and waited for it to tell me to press play.

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away

I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

As the song broke the silence in my bedroom, I made my way over to my closet, looking at all of my clothes, I started grabbing them in arm full's and throwing them on my bed.

You've gone away

You don't feel me here anymore

The worst is over now and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away

There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

I grabbed the box and headed towards my dresser. Opening the top drawer, I threw all my bras in the box, before moving to the next one, throwing underwear in, then my socks, and the last drawer was swimming suits. I folded the flaps on the box to close it before placing it by my door.

'Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

I walked around my room gathering pictures of various events and people. I'd smile at some, and want to break down at others. But somehow, I don't know how, I kept myself together.

Cause I'm broken when I'm open

And I don't feel like I am strong enough

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone away

'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome

And I don't feel right when you're gone

You've gone away

You don't feel me here anymore

Looking around my room, I decided that I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to keep and get rid of. I decided to go to the office next to clean then I would do the living room, dining room, then my parent's room.

That's how the rest of my day went, going room to room, picking up pictures and items I wanted to keep. I'm not sure how many times I did indeed breakdown, but I always picked myself back up and moved on to the next room. By the end of the day, I was dragging ass, completely exhausted.

"Well Bella, I think the movers can manage the rest." Anna spoke softly.

"Yeah, I did my room, the bathrooms, living room, dining room and mom and dad's room. You did the kitchen and office. I think we got it all."

"You didn't do the attic?" I looked at Anna like she had grown another head.

"My parents actually kept stuff up there?"

"Yes Bella, they did." Anna kinda giggled out.

"Okay, I'll do that tomorrow. I'm too tired right now." Anna nodded in understanding as we headed towards her car. We stopped at McDonalds on the way home, both of us being too tired to make anything once we got to the house.

Once we got there, we drug ourselves inside with quick and mumbled goodnights before heading to our rooms. I barely made it to my bed, before falling into the blackness that I have come to welcome. The sound of my cell phone ringing woke me up.

I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground I, I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far we'd set the fire to the third bar we'd share each other like an island Until exhausted, close our eyelids And dreaming, pick up from The last place we left off Your soft skin is weeping A joy you can't keep in

"Hi Jami." I answered. I hadn't heard from any of my friends since the party.

"Hey Bella, how are you doing?"

"I'm doing the best I can, I guess."

"Well hey, I figured you'd want to get away from things, so thought I would call and let ya know, there's a party tonight at Sarah's. I was wondering if you were interested in going?"

"I don't know. I have a lot to do today. I'll let ya know." We said our good-byes and hung up. I couldn't really believe that after all this time, she just now decided to call me, and it was for a party.

I pulled myself up out of bed and made my way to the bathroom. I turned the water on, feeling for the right temperature. Once I was happy with the warm water, I slowly stripped off my clothing. As the warm water hit my back, I could feel my shoulders relaxing little by little. I still felt exhausted from yesterday, but knew I wasn't done yet. I washed my body and hair before climbing out. I dressed in a plain shirt and jeans, not really caring what I looked like.

Walking down the stairs, I could smell that Anna was cooking. I went to the fridge pulling out the orange juice, then grabbed a glass and poured myself some juice. Before walking to the kitchen island, I putted the orange juice away and sat down on the bar stool.

"Hey Anna, can I borrow your car today? I want to move some stuff from the house, and I know you gotta work. Plus I'm not sure how long I'll be."

"Sure. It's got a full tank so just drive careful." She replied handing me a plateful of French toast. I quickly ate the food, thanked Anna and went out the door.

Climbing into the car, I adjusted everything to where I needed it before starting it and backing out of the driveway. I made the short drive to the house that was soon not going to be mine. Parking the car, I could already feel the tears stinging my eyes.

I pushed myself forward, and into the door. Sliding the key into the lock, I decided that I wanted today to be the last day here. It was causing too much pain to keep coming back. Too many reminders. Walking into the house, I looked around quickly before making my way towards the attic stairs.

I climbed the stairs slowly, not wanting to hurt myself. Entering the attic, I moaned. I knew my mom was a pack rat, but damn! There had to be over one hundred boxes and totes. Well, here goes another long day.

I decided to start on the right side and work my way over. I spent probably four hours of looking through boxes that held newspaper articles of dad and baseball. I heard my cell phone ringing multiple times, but chose to ignore it.

It was pretty cool to see pictures from my dad being young all the way to where he was before he was killed. Tears slid down my cheeks the more I kept looking through the paper clippings. I opened the next box expecting to see more paper clippings but instead found wedding pictures. I closed the box, deciding to look at it later. I found four boxes of wedding photos and items, and set them aside.

I moved onto the next box, took a deep breath and opened it. It was baby clothes. I started to cry thinking my mom and dad saved these for future children. I cried even harder knowing my baby sister was suppose to wear these. I carefully replaced the items and closed the box before moving to the next.

Undoing the flaps on the box, I saw a lock box inside. I tried opening it just in case it was unlocked, and with my luck, of course it wasn't. I got up and went downstairs to the drawer that held the keys. I just pulled the drawer out and made my way back up to the attic.

I sat down in front of the box again and started pulling keys out and trying them. I was almost through the whole drawer of keys, about ready to give up, when a key slid in and I was able to turn it. I heard the lock click and opened the top to see a bunch of papers.

If today was your last day and tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past?

Donate every dime you had, if today was your last day?

What if, what if, if today was your last day?

"Hello?" I asked while looking at the documents in front of me.

"Hey Bella, what are you doing?" Sarah called out.

"Um... I'm going through some stuff what's up?"

"I was wondering if you were interested in the party tonight?" I was about to answer when a piece of paper caught my eye.

"Hey, hang on Sarah." I looked over the documents of a Isabella Marie Black. I looked closer, and the social security number, birthdate and other information was the same as mine. I read farther down and saw that it was an adoption paper. A Billy Black was giving up all parental rights to Isabella Black. Philip Dwyer adopted Isabella Black changing legal name to Isabella Marie Dwyer. . .

Everything I knew was a lie. Phil wasn't my real dad like I had thought. Some guy named Billy Black was my father. I felt my anger start to boil knowing both my "parents" had lied to me.

"Bella? Bella are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here." I mumbled. I couldn't believe what I was reading.

"So, you coming tonight?" She asked all bubbly. I knew I shouldn't. After all the last time I drank, I lost everything. But right now I didn't care. My life was a lie.

"On my way." I answered back before hanging up. I ran to my room and started going through my clothes, looking for something I knew my 'mother' would have hated. I quickly found my tight gold dress with sequence on it with flowers, my matching shoes and a gold knot necklace. I quickly changed and put my high heels on. I knew I was going to be kicking myself by the end of the night for picking heels, and probably break my ankle, but right now, I couldn't be bothered.

I made my way down the stairs and to the car, making my way to Sarah's. Pulling up to her house, I could see the party was in full swing. I made my way inside and went straight for the alcohol. I was walking out of the kitchen when I spotted Sarah and Jami. I downed the shot and made my way over to them.

"Whoa! Bella, look at you!" Jami yelled over the music.

"I know right." I replied.

"You are hot tonight." Sarah giggled.

"Hey, let's go get more to drink!" I hollered. They quickly agreed and we stumbled our way to the kitchen.

"So when you coming back to school?" Sarah asked.

"I'm not."

"I saw that James's parents showed up when you were there last." Jami spoke softly. I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear it or not.

"Yeah, his mom has always been a bitch. Oh well."

We stayed in the kitchen playing some drinking games. By the time we were done playing, we could barely stand up. It felt like we crawled back out to the living room, only to hear banging on the door. Before my mind could catch up with my eyes, I was being held up with my hands behind my back.

"What's your name miss, and how old are you?" A man spoke.

"Well I think I'm sixteen. As to the last name, well your fucking guess is as good as mine." I replied.

"Officer Smith, that's Ms. Dwyer. Phil Dwyer's daughter." Another man spoke.

"Oh, but I'm really not. You see, they all fucking lied to me. Every single one of the fuckers!" The officers shared a look and helped me out to one of their cars.

I saw other kids in the same predicament as I was and I couldn't help it, I laughed. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants. Well I guess dress, because I wasn't wearing pants. That set off a whole new round of giggles. I laughed the whole way to the police station and even in the holding cell. I laughed even harder when they called Anna. She was really going to be pissed at me.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, but my drunken mind didn't care. I was pissed that my life was a lie. How could they keep this from me? Did they really think I wouldn't find out? Who else knew of this? As I thought that, Anna came walking in. I saw red. She and mom shared everything, which meant Anna knew. Anna knew all along. I couldn't take my anger and pain out on my parents, but I could Anna.

"Bella, what did you do?" She asked softly. I couldn't, or maybe wouldn't, help the hardness and bitchiness in my voice when I replied.

"Fuck you! You knew and didn't tell me!"