Broken Hearts and Rodeo Dreams
I'm Only Me When I'm With You
Edward
I loved Bella, and she just walked out of my life, and took my heart with her.
Have you ever been hopeless yet determined at the same time? I was hopeless because by the time I found out that I loved Bella, she was gone. Yet I was determined because I was going to do everything in my power to let her know how I felt. It was only a matter of time. Rose and Alice had received a text message from Bella with her telling them she was alright, but she never sent me a text after I told her we needed to talk. I had no idea where she was, or if she really was OK. As a couple days went by, I was starting to get worried, even though the girls told me to calm down and that Bella was fine.
I had spent all morning working out in the barn and it seemed like everything I looked at reminded me of Bella. The stalls Sunny and Twister where in, remained empty, every time I rode in the arena, I remembered all the time we spent in there. By the time everything was done, I was dragging myself inside. All I wanted to do was hear her voice and hold her in my arms. When I got into the kitchen, I made my way over to the fridge to grab something to eat, when an envelope on the counter with my name on it caught my attention. I sat down on one of the bar stools and noticed there was no name on the return address but it was from Forks. As soon as I opened it, I knew who it was from just from the handwriting: Bella.
Edward,
I know the last person you probably want to hear from is me, and for that I am sorry.
I know what I did is unforgivable. But I just need to tell you the truth.
Somewhere along the lines of last summer, I fell in love with you.
Remember that day we all went for a ride, and I got thrown? Well that was the day I was going to ask if you were interested
in going out on a date or something, but when we got back to the barn and Kate was all over you,
I figured my time had passed. At the homecoming dance, when you and I danced is when my
brain decided to tell my heart that I was in love with you. I'm sorry for ignoring you, but it
just hurt to be around you, knowing that I couldn't have you, and you didn't see me like that.
I wanted to tell everyone about this summer, but I didn't want a good-bye hanging over
all of our heads. Sorry about the roping thing, I truly didn't know you wanted me to be your
roping partner. Now you know the truth, and you can do with it what you want.
I just had to tell you. If you don't want to talk to me again, I truly understand.
Always,
-Bella
Since Emmett was busy this summer doing stuff for the college rodeo team he was going to be on, Jasper and I decided to rope together this summer, since he was taking a year off from school. I knew I was going to miss roping with Bella, we made a damn good team. I also decided that this summer, I was going to start training more horses for team roping so I could just do that as a job.
I knew that I loved Bella and knew that it wasn't fair to Kate to stay with her. I didn't love her and I knew I never would. Bella was the only person I wanted to love. Tomorrow when I saw Kate at the rodeo, I knew I would have to end it, and it probably wasn't going to be to pretty.
I drug myself up to my room and jumped on my bed spending the rest of the day thinking about Bella only to fall asleep to dreams filled with Bella. I awoke the next morning to the image of Bella, and today started to look up. I got out of bed, took my shower, got dressed and headed outside to the barn. Jasper showed up shortly after and we loaded the horses up and headed to the rodeo.
When we got there, we got the horses settled and went to sign in. I knew I would see Kate here, it was only a matter of time. She was so happy that Bella wouldn't be around this summer, but mad that she made it to the professional tour. I was starting to see the side of Kate that everyone around me saw, and I wasn't liking it. I was saddling my horse when I saw Kate walking towards me with someone I hadn't seen or heard from in a year.
"Edward, do you think we can talk?" Kate asked innocently.
"Yes Kate we can, because I also need to talk to you."
"Yes well, I'll go first." I nodded at Kate for her to continue. "Well, first off, your blind. Second, I don't think were going to work out. I've talked to a friend of mine, and he just proved what I knew already. I could tell that day when I was at the barn and you and Bella were on the same horse that you both liked each other. You were just to blind to see. So yeah, this just aint working out, so were done." And then she just walked away from me. I guess you didn't need to talk to her. She just said everything that you wanted to say. Jasper and I did our event taking second place, then headed home.
The next two months went by to fast. Everyday was me thinking of Bella, and wanting to see her. Jasper and I practicing or heading to a rodeo, and me training horses. Rose and Alice had talked to Bella and said she was doing good, but they felt like she was hiding something. From what I could understand she came home last night. We had planned on going to the bar tonight and playing pool and just hanging out. It was around 3 in the afternoon when Rose came home. She looked sad and I was wondering what was going on. She just told me to be ready to go shortly.
When we got to the bar, we waiting outside for Bella to show up. When I saw her, she was just as beautiful as I remembered. I noticed Seth walking beside her and my hope dropped a little bit. At first I was determined to show her how I felt, but now, now I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wanted Bella to be happy and if that meant letting her go, I would do it. We all headed into the bar, and everyone did there hugs and Alice squealed.
"So, Bella and Seth have some news!" Alice yelled. This can't be good. Everyone looked at Bella, waiting to see what she had to say. She looked me in the eyes, and I could see the storm that was building behind them.
"Seth and I are engaged. We're getting married." Bella almost whispered out. I felt my entire world crumble. Bella was with Seth and engaged, I couldn't do anything. I could hear everyone saying their congratulations before heading out to dance. I watched Bella, she didn't look happy. She came and asked me for a dance, and I couldn't deny her anything so I accepted. When we were walking, she grabbed my arm and I felt a shock of electricity go threw me, and I wondered if she felt it to. I pulled her to me and then we started dancing.
Lately I've been wandering
Off the narrow path
You've given me so many things that I've never had
All in all I know it's you that always pulls me through
If you reach deep inside you'll see my heart is true
Cuz I hate the way…I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice…yeah
She didn't answer me, instead she asked "Are you Edward?" I started thinking about how to answer her. I could tell that she thought she was happy, and she was putting on a good mask for every one. But with us hanging out last summer, I knew the truth, I saw right threw her, she wasn't happy.
Come on
The world I know is pulling me, more and more each day
I feel like the odd man out as I begin to pray
Spiteful eyes are watching me
With everything I do
In the midst of darkness, Lord
My spirit calls for you
Cuz I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice yeah
(You know sometimes deep inside...)
I feel like death...
Cuz I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life
Yes I hate the way I feel inside
And I promise to make the sacrifice
I leaned in and whispered the rest of the song in her ear, just trying to tell her how I was feeling right now.
Yes, I hate the way I feel tonight
And I know I need you in my life..yeah
The way I feel, I hate the way... the way I feel...
When the song ended, I leaned in and kissed Bella's cheek and whispered "No Bella, I'm not happy." I walked away from her, just as she had done to be at homecoming, and headed back to our friends. I watched as everyone danced, and kept giving me weird stares, but I ignored those. I could tell by the way Bella touched me, that she still loves me, and I could tell she wasn't happy. It was right then and there, that I decided that no matter what, Isabella Swan was going to know that I loved her. To show her that would take some time, so to begin with, I needed my roping partner back. I went home that day and fell asleep to the plans of trying to get Bella back.
When I awoke the next morning, I knew Bella was coming over and today would be the day to talk to her. I pulled myself out of bed and got ready for the day before heading to the barn. I was in the middle of chores when Bella came into the barn, and I stopped doing chores so I could talk to her.
"Hey Bella, can I talk to you please?" She looked a little worried but agreed. "Bella, I don't blame you for doing what you did, but I do miss you as my roping partner. Please tell me that you and I can continue roping next year?"
"Edward, I'm still sorry for how I handled things, and if your still wanting me as a partner, then yes, I will rope with you next year. But I can not practice roping with you until after I finish the tour."
Bella left the following day to continue on her tour. I was just happy that she agreed to rope with me again. Not only would it mean we were going to be together a lot, it also meant that we would be the top team roping team around. Jasper and I finished out the season and every single day I thought about Bella. Bella was coming home today from the tour, and since she moved to La Push, we decided that she would keep Twister here instead of trailering him everyday to practice. She would be dropping him off today and we would start practicing tomorrow. When I heard her diesel coming down the driveway I met her outside to help her. Seth was with her, which didn't make me happy, but there was nothing I could do about it.
"Hey Bella, need any help?" I asked her when she jumped out. She started to open the trailer door to let Twister out.
"Uh, yeah, do you think I can keep his tack here so I don't have to keep it in my truck?"
"Yeah sure no problem. I'll grab your saddle and put it in the tack room, then you can grab the rest of the tack you use for him and bring it in there." I told her while picking up her saddle. They left shortly after, and I finished doing chores.
Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper had all left for college while I stayed here and continued to train horses. Bella and I had a lot of work to get us back to where we were last summer. We practiced six days a week, and every day I did something little to show my love for her. Whether is was touching her when brushing by her or tacking Twister up for her. I noticed she was becoming comfortable around me again, which was a good sign. The winter season went by fast and we were back to our low time. Every passing day was getting harder to stay away from Bella. It was almost fucking killing me to not be able to hold her.
The beginning of February I noticed she was acting a little nervous during our practice, but I didn't say anything. By the end of practice, she was missing her loops and could barely concentrate on what she was doing or her horse. It wasn't safe for us to continue to ride, when her mind was somewhere else. I told her we can stop, and left the arena to untack the horses. I looked at her face and she was so worried and I couldn't handle it anymore, I had to know what was going on.
"Bella, this summer will be fine. We can work it out to where when we don't have a rodeo, you can travel with Seth." It killed me to say that, almost felt like I was just giving up.
"What? Oh, I wasn't worried about that. Seth and I already had it figured out to do what you just said." She said nervously. She still didn't look at me and it started to worry me.
"Ok, then what's wrong?"
"Well, last summer I became friends with a girl named Jami Jensen. She's from Nebraska and her family owns a rodeo horse training barn." I nodded at her to continue, not knowing why this was making her so nervous. "Well, their barrel racing trainer is going to be retiring the end of this summer, and she offered me job. I accepted it, please don't be mad at me, we can still rope this summer." I couldn't be mad at her. I had heard of Jami Jensen and her families training barn and it was a damn good one, it was a good opportunity for her.
I couldn't handle it any longer. I walked up to her and put my lips to hers. At first she was shocked, didn't move, didn't do anything. I put my hands on her waist and she finally moved. I felt her lips start moving with mine while her hands worked their way up my forearm, to my biceps, to my shoulders, before they finally ended in my hair. I licked her bottom lip with my tongue, wanting to taste her, and she granted access. She tasted wonderful, like vanilla and strawberries, it was so intoxicating. Her tongue moving against mine while I explored the inside of her mouth made me feel in heaven. I didn't think it could get any better, until she slightly tugged at my hair causing me to moan, because damn, it felt great. When we finally pulled apart for air, Bella had a look of worry on her face before backing away from me and putting Twister in his stall then leaving.
I was worried that I had pushed to far while I was putting Jack away and feeding him. Kissing Bella felt right, like she was my other half. Just thinking about her nothing being there around me, almost killed me. I felt my chest tighten and it became hard to breath. Then I decided that it was time to back off, as long as she was my friend, I could be happy.
The next day Bella came at the same time to practice and was acting a little distant. When she looked at me I could see a storm of confusion, and sadness. I knew I needed to fix this before I lost her.
"Bella, I'm sorry about yesterday. I crossed the line, I was just so happy for you." She finally looked at me, and my breath caught in my throat, she looked almost heartbroken.
"It's OK Edward, I know you were happy for me. Can we just forget about it?" I nodded even though I knew I couldn't forget about it. It was the best kiss I had ever had.
"Yeah, OK, let's practice Bella." I said as I grabbed my horse and started to walk in the arena.
Bella seemed a little better after that, but I could tell something was still bothering her. I wasn't going to force her to talk to me, even though I wish she would. Besides me loving Bella, she had became one of my best friends. I still kick my own ass for being a dick to her when she first moved back, but I know I'm different around her.
We were leaving for our first rodeo of the season today, Seth had left at the beginning of the week. We figured it out to when Seth was close by, and we didn't have a rodeo, Bella would drive and be with him. She was going to be doing a lot of traveling this summer, but she seemed to be ok with it.
When we got to Walla Walla, we went to sign in before getting the horses out. The rodeo was getting ready to start, so we decided to saddle the horses and get them warmed up. Bella saddled Twister first and had just got done saddling Sunny when I saw Kate walking towards us. Great, what the hell does she want now?
"Edward, your roping this year? I thought everyone left for college?" Kate asked.
"Yes I'm roping this year." I stated calmly. Bella didn't know that Kate and Jacob Black are dating. Hell she thought I was joking when I told her Kate and I were over.
"Please tell me your not roping with Bella. She's so worthless in the arena. Shouldn't even own horses." She sneered. Bella walked around the trailer at that time, and I could see that her face was red hot with anger.
"Yes, I am roping with Bella again this year." I was starting to lose my patience with her.
"Pathetic." Just that one word sent Bella over the edge.
"Kate, as I recall, I beat your ass the last time I raced against you." Kate just glared at Bella before walking away.
"What the fuck?" Bella almost screamed. "Is she with fucking Jacob?" All I could do was nod at her, she was really pissed. Bella tied Twister and started to warm Sunny up for barrels. Kate was just leaving the arena when we got there, with a time of 18.23 seconds.
"I bet you can't beat that time with that old horse of yours Bella." Kate sneered. Bella just got a smug look on her face before entering the arena.
"You know Edward, you really should talk her into retiring." Kate spoke to me. I was watching Bella, I could never get enough of watching her ride Sunny in the arena.
"Kate, I will not let you stand here and talk shit on Bella." I said in a stern voice. Kate looked shock by what I said but didn't say anything. Bella left the arena with a time of 16.35 and just glared at Kate as she walked back to the trailer. I looked at Kate and just laughed and followed Bella.
By the end of the day Bella took first place in barrels and in team roping we took third, not a bad way to start the season off. We loaded the horses and started to head home. Bella turned the radio on, and we listened to a couple songs before Taylor Swift came on. Bella just laughed and started singing.
Friday night beneath the stars
In a field behind your yard
You and I are painting pictures in the sky
Sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets sing
Everything I need is right here by my side
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you
I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you
Just a small-town boy and girl
Living in the crazy world
Trying to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
My secrets or my deepest fears
Through it all nobody gets me like you do
And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me
I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you
When I'm with anybody else
It's so hard to be myself
And only you can tell
That I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well, you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying
To let you know that what I feel is true
And I'm only me, who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you,
with you,
uh huh uh, yeah
Listening to the song, seemed to describe how I felt about Bella. When she's down, I want to do everything to make her happy. It seems like I'm always trying to show Bella that I love her. Yeah, this song was just... us. The rest of the way she sang to songs and we joked around. I was going to miss her this next week when she left to go be with Seth.
Bella left Sunday morning, and now it's Saturday. She was in Cheyenne Wyoming at the Cheyenne Frontier Days, I was stuck in Forks Washington. The last week I all I could think bout was Bella. I rolled myself out of bed and got ready for my long day of work ahead of me.
During the day I cleaned out ten stalls, moved hay from the hay shed to the barn, rode Jack and five of the training horses, cleaned the tack room, and washed horse blankets. To say I was fucking tired would be an understatement. I finally made it to the shower then crawled into bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was pulled into my dreams of Bella. I heard the faint ringing of my phone, but ignored it. I didn't want to wake up, I was in lala land happily holding Bella. Then I heard it again, and was ready to yell at whoever it was waking me up. I looked at my caller ID, and was ready to scream. What the hell was Rosalie calling me at midnight for?
"What do you want Rose? It's midnight! Go to bed." I was pissed but when I heard her sniffle, my anger left me. Oh shit, this can't be good.
"Edward, there's been an accident."
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