Chapter Eleven

Bella

I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face as Leah floored her car out of La Push. We were both extremely happy to get out of La Push and away from all of the guys that it held.

Being around them was making me feel like I was losing my grip on life, more specifically being around Jared.

Whenever I was around him, I felt a pull, which just pissed me the fuck off. I didn't want a fucking guy in my life. I had James, and he was gone. He left me.

The pull I was feeling with Jared pissed me off. He was a dick along with his fucking friends. Sam was constantly glaring at me, as I was him. He was an asshole, and he thought that he was in control of their little fuck-fest group.

I was wondering what his deal was. I mean Leah seems to hate him as much as I do, if not more. I couldn't help but ask.

"Leah, can I ask you a question?"

"Give me your best shot." She responded.

"What's up with you and Sam?" I watched as she tensed up and became stiff as a board.

"What makes you think that there is something with Sam and me?"

"When you look at him, I can see love, but yet there is pure hatred there. You look at him like he is your entire world, yet you can't have him."

"Sam and I were together for a long time. He was my world, my everything. A couple of months ago, he was sick, then just disappeared. He was gone for awhile; I was so worried about him. Jared and I were the worse, always trying to find him. Jared turned to drinking while I became obsessed with trying to find Sam. One day he came back, but he wasn't my Sam. He was dangerous looking, like there was a wild animal trapped inside of him. You could see it in the way he carried himself, the way he talked. He told me that he didn't love me anymore, that things had changed. Then Emily came down for a bonfire and then things changed. Those two have been together since then. I hate them both."

By the time she was done talking, her knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel. I felt bad for her, but I could kind of relate. We both have loved and lost that love.

"Before I moved here, I was dating a guy named James. He was my everything. Before I met him, I was the geek that could barely walk. When James looked at me, something clicked inside of me. Granted, I was still clumsy as hell, but I held myself with pride. On his birthday, we went out to eat, and the movies, and then went four-wheeling. Then we were going to go back to my house and watch movies and relax. On the way home, Jami called me wanting to go to a party. We went and drank, a lot. But we were smart enough, or so I thought, to call my parents to come get us. On the way home, I felt sick so I laid down, using James as my pillow. I felt like I was going to puke, so I sat up only to see a bright light. I woke up in the hospital, only to wish I was dead. I lost everyone." I felt a tear slide down my check and angrily wiped it away.

"Sounds like we both have a reason to be the way we are."

That's how our conversation ended. We both shared something, and no more was needed. Leah floored it the remaining time to Seattle.

Once we got there we checked into our room at The Maxwell Hotel. I looked around as all the information was verified. The lobby was open and elegant. I couldn't help the giggle that worked its way out of my mouth when I saw a huge pineapple in the middle of the floor. We got our room keys and made our way to the room.

By the time we got settled in, it was still early so we decided to go to a spa. Leah and I both got our nails done, and got our hair cut.

"Bella, you would look good as a blonde." Leah stated. I thought about it, before turning to Liz, the woman doing my hair.

"I agree. It's time for a new Bella. Do you have time to do a color?" She nodded her head yes and said she would be right back. When she returned, she had the hair dye and everything else she needed to dye my hair.

I sat there, getting high off of the fumes, talking ideally to Leah. It was during that time that I stopped seeing her as a friend, and as a sister. I knew I would do anything in my power to protect her.

If it ever came to it, hopefully I could save her life, unlike the lives that I had taken. I felt the heavy weight press on me as that statement kicked in. I had taken three lives, maybe not on purpose, but still the same. If I hadn't gone to that party, I would still have my parents and James.

"Bella, you ready?" I looked around and saw that my hair was done.

"Yeah, sure, let's go." We made our way back to the motel. As we were heading to our room, we decided to grab something to eat.

"So, I think we need to go shopping tomorrow. Grab something sexy, just enough to make the dogs drool at home, but to let them know they could never have us!"

I busted up laughing causing Leah to look at me like I had grown another head.

"Remember when I first moved here, the day that you ripped into Jared on the cliff?"

"Um, yeah?"

"I told him that day that if he ever touched me again, I'd cut his dick off and feed it to the wolves, and here you are calling them dogs. Damn, great minds fucking think alike!" We both busted up laughing and agreeing.

About that time, the waiter brought us our food. I had ordered a side salad, steak, garlic mashed potatoes and corn. Oh yes, my ass was getting pampered this weekend. I looked over at Leah and saw that she had ordered a side salad, Swiss cheese and mushrooms over a chicken breast, and some kind of soup.

We ate and chatted. We decided that we were going to go shopping tomorrow and maybe a movie. Once we paid our bill, we made our way to the room.

"Ready…. 1….2…..3….." Leah started.

"ME!" I yelled before she had the chance to. I smiled and danced my way over to my clothes to grab a tank top and shorts. I skipped my way over to the bathroom, only to stop in front of Leah and shake my ass at her. She playfully glared and walked off to turn on the television. I rolled my eyes at her and continued my short journey to the bathroom.

Stepping into the hot spray of the shower felt….. Just fucking awesome! I felt my muscles relax and get soothed from the water. I thought over the day and felt a tear slip its way out of my eye and down my cheek. I hadn't talked to anyone about James.

I crumpled myself to the floor of the shower. Images flashed on the shower wall like a fucking movie. Only these were harsh, they were images of the life that James and I should of fucking had.

I was standing by his side as our kids ran around the yard. I looked at our son, tanned skin, dark almost black hair. Our beautiful daughter, with mahogany hair in pigtails. I watched as our son picked something up off the ground, then start chasing our daughter with it. I chuckled as I turned and laid my cheek on James back.

"I love you James. Look at our beautiful family." I felt him turn around.

"Babe, who's James?" I looked up confused only to see a face that wasn't my James.

My eyes snapped open as Leah was knocking on the door. What the fuck!

"Bella, you okay? You've been in there for an hour." It was then that I realized I had fallen asleep.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm getting out now." I answered back. I turned off the now freezing water and wrapped my towel around me. I dried off and quickly got dressed. I cracked the door open and figured Leah was in bed, so I padded my way over to my bed.

"You sure your alright Bella?" Leah asked. All I could do was nod, and I laid my head on my pillow. I was tired, but I was afraid of closing my eyes and going to sleep.

I didn't have a choice as the darkness swallowed me. Oh, now you take me captive you dick? Where were you when I wanted you to swallow me when I was in the hospital, huh?

I awoke to the sound of Leah getting out of the shower. I groaned and rolled over, pulling my pillow over my head trying to go back to sleep.

"Bella, time to wake up." Maybe if I don't make a sound, she'll leave me alone. "Wake up, or I'll tell Paul you want him." She sang.

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I would." She giggled.

"Fine, I'm up, I'm up." I grumbled while rolling out of bed. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a tank top before working my way to the bathroom. Once I was finished in there, I walked out to a very impatient Leah.

"Dude, could you go any slower?"

"Bite me bitch," was my reply. She rolled her eyes and led us out of our room, and out to her car. We made our way to the Westlake Center mall.

As we were driving around trying to a find a parking spot, I thought we were going to have to walk like a fucking mile just to get a spot. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a spot towards the front.

"Leah, up there!" I yelled. I saw another car and the race was on. Leah must have seen them to.

"Don't even think about it bitch. It's mine!" she yelled.

I thought she was going to fucking hit this older couple, and to tell you the honest truth, I don't know how she missed them. She flew into the parking spot, hitting her brakes and sending me towards the dash. I threw my hands out so I didn't hit it and busted up laughing.

"Damn, remind me to stay the fuck out of your way when you're driving."

"Bite me bitch." She just fucking threw my previous statement back at me.

So I did the mature thing; I just my tongue out and ran towards the mother fucking doors. I laughed the whole time and watched as Leah ran up to me laughing. Once she was by me, we looped arms and walked inside, still laughing.

People looked at us like we were crazy, and let's just face it, we are fucking crazy. We walked into Claire's and got some jewelry. I grabbed a couple pair of earrings and bracelets.

We went to the next store, Fossil, and got her brother, Seth, a new watch. For being young, he was a cutie. When I met him, I just wanted to grab his cheeks and squeeze, but it would have made me look like a fucking creeper, so I had just waved at him.

We stopped at Silver Works, and Hot Topic. I didn't but much in either store but did get a couple of shirts that had wolves on them. I wasn't much for dogs, but the shirts were pretty kick ass, so hell, why not?

Walking into Bad Reputation, I had a feeling that I should just leave, but I pushed my way forward and ignored it.

Leah and I walked to the swimming suits and looked around. Leah ended up finding a white one with some fucked up cross looking design on it. I rolled my eyes at her when she tried handing me a pink bikini.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" I tried to look serious, because really? Me and pink ain't a no, it's not a hell not, it's a huge hell fucking no!

"Come on. It would look cute."

"Fuck no." I said before grabbing a black bikini with studded angel wings on them.

"That's kick ass! You getting it?

"Oh yeah," I mumbled. I shopped a little bit more then we went to pay for our items.

"Baby, you look edible in that." I heard a familiar voice growl. A voice that couldn't have been who I thought it was. I quickly followed it to see who it belonged to.

"Bella, where are you going?" I faintly heard Leah ask behind me, but I chose to ignore her.

I saw a couple walking out the door, and the man spoke again. It sounded just like James, but it couldn't be. James was gone. They walked a whole hell of a lot faster than me, and I had to run to find them once they turned the corner. I followed them outside, and saw the side of his face.

Tear sprang to my eyes, and my chest tightened, making it extremely hard to fucking breath. I felt my legs giving out on me, and felt my knees hit the concrete.

"James." I saw as the guy faltered in his step but didn't turn around. I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to take in a deep breath.

"Bella, are you alright?" I heard Leah ask. I shook my head indicating that no, I was not alright. "What's wrong?" I could hear the worry in her voice, but my eyes wouldn't leave the spot where I saw him at.

"James." Was all I was able to choke out. Leah crouched in front of me, lifting my face to look at her. I saw pity there, mixed with sadness.

"Hun, you said James died. I'm sorry, but he isn't here." I knew she was right. I sat there for a minute or two longer before pulling myself up.

"Let's get out of here." I mumbled, making my way to her car. We remained quiet on the way to the hotel. She probably thought I lost my mind, and I couldn't blame her. I was thinking the same damn thing.

I rushed up to the room and carelessly threw my bags on my bed before dashing for the bathroom and locking the door behind me. I had to be losing my mind. Talking to Leah was a bad idea. It just brought him to the front of my mind, which lead to me fucking seeing him in a damn mall.

He wasn't here, and he wasn't coming back. I couldn't control that, as much as I would like to. If I could, I would go back in time and never go to that party. Then I would have my family and James. But I couldn't go back in time, and I couldn't change that. I was losing my grip on everything; I had no control over anything! Oh, but you do. My mind thought.

I smiled as I looked for what I needed. I found it quickly and slid my jeans down. I smiled as the blade sliced the skin on my right leg. It felt fucking awesome. In that one cut, I had control. As my blood flowed out, I watched in amazement. I knew James would kill me if he knew that I had done this; numerous times. Watching my blood, I felt like some of the pain from losing him was gone. Once the pain went away, I didn't hesitate in making another cut, a deeper, longer cut.

"Bella?" I jumped, not expecting to hear Leah.

"Yeah, I'm just getting into the shower." I answered back. I finished stripping down and jumped into the shower.

We spent the rest of our time in Seattle mainly in our hotel room. We watched some movies and hung out and talked.

Before we were ready, it was time to head back to La Push. When Leah dropped me off, I heard some of Jake's friends inside. I quickly walked through the small house and threw the bags in my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, so I slid my window open and climbed out.

Walking down to the beach, I thought about how I was pretty much losing my mind. Why would I have seen James in the mall? Was my mind trying to play tricks on me?

"Hey there stranger, long time no talk." I heard Leah giggle out.

"Where ya heading?" I asked her.

"To the store, Seth ate all the damn food, how about you?"

"I'm not sure, but food does sound good." I laughed.

I heard the door above the store open and looked up. I wanted to scream, because right in front of me was the man that had decided he was going to fucking put himself in my dream the other night.

I wanted to growl, and I felt it rumble in my chest, but then I looked into his eyes. Wow, he finally grew the balls to look me in the eyes. It was that moment that I wanted to kill him, yet kiss him senseless. There was a pull making me want to run to his arms and never leave. I almost felt like I loved him. I didn't want that, and I didn't want him. So I did what I was good at, I ran. I ran home, crawled in my window, and I found my best friend.